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[unionjackoff]

[there is a pause that has been recorded, unintentionally, followed by the sound of someone clearing his throat]

Uh. Hullo. This is Arthur Kirkland. Please leave a message. Or text. Or whatever...

[beep]

Comments

[unionjackoff]

You just told me you were Santa Claus. [why is he even arguing. what is the point.

but England stands there patiently, awaiting his gift]

[bakudanma]

_{[ Katsura pulls out what appears to be a nice embroidery set in plastic case from his sack and hands it over to England. ]}

Ah, something else.
_{[ A voucher for a free eyebrow wax, some tweezers, and a book about surviving the zombie apocalypse. He seems very serious when he hands these items over. ]}

Kirkland-san, should you ever feel your eyebrows merge together, please do not feel hesitant to ask me for help. I am here for you.
<sub>[ Zura's voice. It is very sincere.

England doesn't know it, but back in his world, there was once a virus that caused people to turn into zombies-- or rather, useless old men. The first indication was their unibrows.

It's pretty touching he cares this much about England and it's a pity England won't understand it. ]</sub>

wheeze 1/2

[unionjackoff]

[so now England is both touched and angry at the same time. what a thoughtful, insulting gift!]

K-Katsura-san...

2/2

[unionjackoff]

[and hell is unleashed]

JUST WHAT KIND OF GIFT IS THIS?

[he crumples the voucher and tosses it at Katsura's head. poit!]

[bakudanma]

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, KIRKLAND-SAN!
_{[ TEARFUL ... ]}

I don't want anything to happen to you because of your unshapely brows! You will thank me later!

[unionjackoff]

[W H A T]

Nothing is going to happen to me because of my eyebrows!

[bakudanma]

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOWWWW!? What if they fuse together one day and suck your brain dry.. and you're nothing but a Zombrow!
KIRKLAND-SAN, PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF HAND!!

[unionjackoff]

What is your damage? Are there unibrow zombies where you come from, or something?

[bakudanma]

_{[ CRUMBLES TO HIS KNEES.... ]}

I..it happened, once.
_{[ a single tear... it falls from his cheek. ]}

I don't want to see the outbreak happen again. I was brutally wounded. I nearly saw death.
_{[ from taking out the trash instead. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[he's... Katsura is crying! he was really serious! this gift wasn't a dig at his hygiene. no, Katsura was concerned for him!

the anger in England's voice fades and he drops down to crouch in front of the other man]

T'm not going to turn into a zombie, Katsura. But if it will make you feel better, I'll trim them.

[bakudanma]

_{[ when it Katsura not serious.. he is always serious.. that's the scary part. ]}

R..Really? I mean, ah. At least just the middle part. That is where you have to really watch yourself.

[unionjackoff]

You don't have to worry about that. I've been alive for over a thousand years and have never once had a unibrow. I find them absolutely dreadful.

[bakudanma]

... Thousands of years?
_{[ well okay then .. ]}

A-And you never had that problem? It can happen in an instant, Kirkland-san!
Guard your heart and your hair.

[unionjackoff]

You don't need to fret! With this new present from you, I will guard my hair well. [there are probably sparkles and a heroic background here]

[bakudanma]

_{[ He stands to his feet. Suddenly, he's absolutely okay. ]}

Thank you, Kirkland-san. I hope you enjoy the embroidery set.

I stole it from a lady in a rocking chair.
_{[ WHAT A TRANSITION. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[now England is wishing he didn't rip up his coupon.

for all of two seconds. until Katsura informs him of how he got his other gift]

I DON'T WANT A STOLEN GIFT!

[just when they were bonding, too]

[bakudanma]

You were only decent this year-- so you have yourself to blame.
The punishment fits the crime, and all of that.

Ah. She turned my heart down, anyway. She deserved it.
_{[ HOW MEAN. ]}

[unionjackoff]

I don't blame myself for something you stole! [it's impossible trying to reach Katsura, isn't it? ...but then England has an idea] Don't you know stealing puts you on Santa's naughty list?

[bakudanma]

I-Impossible! I am Santa Claus-- I wouldn't ever put myself on the naughty list!
...Would I?

[unionjackoff]

I don't know. If you're really Santa Claus, you can't hold yourself higher than other people. Everyone deserves to be on equal footing! That is how Santa Claus works!

[bakudanma]

Y-You're absolutely right! What have I done? Have a compromised Christmas!? Santa-dono cannot be put on the naughty list! A-And yet, the unlawful must be put to justice-- THE NAUGHTY LIST!!

_{[ He leans forward to bump his head against the door sill, leaving it there as he sulks. ]}

I'm a terrible Santa!!

[unionjackoff]

Yes, you are. [now he's just taking the piss at you.

and then] But you're a fine Katsura. [whatever you are]

[bakudanma]

_{[ He tilts his head to the side, still resting his forehead on the door sill. He's looking at England now though. ]}

Really?

_{[ oh. A little blush. ]}

[unionjackoff]

[d-don't blush at him! it's weird! England has to look away because he feels uncomfortable for some reason]

Only you can be you, obviously! So you're always going to be the best Katsura! Don't try to be Santa Claus!

[bakudanma]

_{[ He blushes easily. Sue him. ]}
I see. I think this is one of the most tasteful advice I have heard in awhile.
_{[ He pries his head away from the door sill. ]}

I needed to deliver the gift, though. It's part of the holiday spirit.